I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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