There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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