I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
