In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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