ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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