Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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