I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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