how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
