Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
