I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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