if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
