i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
