just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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