Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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