Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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