I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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