First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
