this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
