fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
