Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
