I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
