after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
