K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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