Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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