a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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