hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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