Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
