Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
