i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
