So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
