I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
