Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
