remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
