i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
