i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
