instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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