Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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