apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
