My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
