I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
