I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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