Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
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I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
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New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.