peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment