She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
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I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
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He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.