You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
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My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration