apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
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I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
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If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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