My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
