The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
