i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
