I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm sobbing to NWA
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
