if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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