My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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