I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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