And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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