I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Randomize
