How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
