I think I died a long time ago.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
