i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
