so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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