Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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