And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
